Being straight: A choice

I'm going through old journals. At a meditation retreat several years ago, we had a discussion topic on death and dying. Basically, an opportunity to reflect on our lives in the most dramatic sense, and to become more familiar with the idea that we may, in fact, not make it off this rock alive.

On the next page is a quick summary of thoughts, a continuation of that discussion, as it related to sexual identity. Eventually these sorts of thoughts manifested into a process (futile though it was) of giving up my sexuality in an attempt to 'go with men'. So to speak.

The few people I've tried to explain this to seem not to understand it. Now, I even have a hard time understanding it. It had to do with misguided Buddhist principles, lending self-destruction; my romanticized perspective of family; my denial of the importance of sexuality. I'm not sure what got me onto the premise that being gay equated to dying without a family. I guess I was just immature, uneducated. I truly think that I hadn't *really* been exposed to same sex couples with kids; that I wasn't yet able to process having my own family.  Ironically, while I was under-aware of the prospect of living a fulfilling life as a gay woman, I was intimately aware, even more so that I am now, of the consequences of being gay in terms of my 'traditional' family.  It was the start of the rockiest part of my journey as a gay person, and I will probably never be done sifting through it.

It is great therapy to read that written so long ago. These few lines help me to forgive. It - choice - was codified. I may have been misguided in some ways, but it is apparent that I weighed consequences and made a choice. Despite what it was on an intellectual level, perhaps on an emotional level, I realized better than I do now, the consequences... Some may argue that it is self-defeating to dwell on this; so be it. It may also be the key to forgiveness.

Perhaps it takes more strength to overcome darkness and bitterness; to truly forgive... than it did to get through that rockiest part. This next part takes kindness... meditation... at times the most difficult things in the universe.

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"On death and dying" - where/when/what will you feel:

# 1: I'd like to die in my sleep, I guess... without pain would be good...

# 2: I want to be old... I want to know that I'm going to die, I want the experience... I'd like to die tearlessly, knowing that I've lived an honest, a truthful life... I want to be around my friends and family, my loved ones, and go out peacefully.

 # 3: The whole idea of going out on the mountain, alone, I think when it comes time I would want that... Like you said, tearless would be good - what is there to fear? What use is it? Easy to say now...

# 4: I want to know that I'm going to die, so I can think about what I've done with my life, think of all the good things I've done, hopefully be able to say that I'm content, that I've done what I wanted to do... I don't want to  get into my next life and think, 'damn I shouldn't have done this and this and that... come on, you could've done better.' Oh and it'd be cool if there was a cult or something started over my body.

# 5: I want to go off into the mountains, be alone, none of this boo-hoo-hoo! That's all I'm gonna say...

 # 6: Um... how I know to die... honestly, I'd like to die doing something risky. Maybe rock-climbing or maybe something stupid, it doesn't matter, I just do it, knowing theres a lot of risk involved... Climbing alone, or, without ropes, something like that... maybe have a ton of marijuana...

 # 7: I don't want a lot of pain.
(So you and he could smoke marijuana together, someone says)
No I don't want pain and I don't want to be sad. I'd like to die when I'm healthy, and I'd like for people to eat a big meal... celebrate and not be sad. 

 # 4: Yeah I'd like to have people remember me. I'd like to have achieved something that lives on it the world... forgot to add that...

Next page:

Towards the end, what will be most precious? This is my group, my family, and will be for many years. I have the choice of preserving whatever lifestyle I have, knowing that they will know little of it... or I could let go of that and genuinely live with them. In the latter, in all likelihood, my ideals, my personal goals and desires, could not be fulfilled. At least for the time that I am with them. The choice comes down to isolating myself  or living with them. At least a part of them. With the consequence that my goals probably become meaningless or altogether lost...