Engagement

Within 12 hours of becoming engaged to my partner, I found myself defending the legitimacy and sanctity of our relationship to, none other than, myself. More accurately, it was a response to others, but we're going to have to name it for what it is, since it was only in my head. It is the exactly the kind of thing that you wish you could have prepared yourself for, but only after you're too late. The kind of guilt that I know I shouldn't really accept...there was nothing to substantiate that anything but good would come from our engagement... because little else really seemed to matter... because I was filled with too much good, excitement, love, to think about much else.

While Amelie spent the day sharing her side of the news, I waited until the evening to send texts and emails - yes, texts and emails - with photos of us and the ring, to my nuclear family, and my brother-in-law. I tried not to worry about responses because I expected  them to be lackluster. By the time I was falling asleep, I was incredibly anxious, because I heard from everyone but my dad. Lo and behold, I needed my dad's blessing. If even he couldn't have managed some kind of blessing, if he called to ask dumb questions, I would have been okay. I'm practically a trained soldier in handling negativity related to this issue. I still can't explain why I cared, why I care.

My family has accepted us so far, but as I now know, only on the condition that our relationship could be ignored. And the guilt enters again, because I should be stronger than that. Now I know that I wasn't prepared for it. Soldiers need preparation and training to be strong. It affected me enough that our engagement feels bitter-sweet. I am still recovering from the bitterness. I am still recovering from that sneaky feeling of illegitimacy, as if we were children having just built our cardboard dream house."But dad, I love her and she loves me and we have to be married!"

The most powerful argument that I can muster is a description of the way that I feel about her and our commitment to one other. Unabashed, uncensored.