Within 12 hours of becoming engaged to my partner, I found myself
defending the legitimacy and sanctity of our relationship to, none other
than, myself. More accurately, it was a response to others, but we're
going to have to name it for what it is, since it was only in my head.
It is the exactly the kind of thing that you wish you could have
prepared yourself for, but only after you're too late. The kind of guilt
that I know I shouldn't really accept...there was nothing to
substantiate that anything but good would come from our engagement...
because little else really seemed to matter... because I was filled with
too much good, excitement, love, to think about much else.
While
Amelie spent the day sharing her side of the news, I waited until the
evening to send texts and emails - yes, texts and emails - with photos
of us and the ring, to my nuclear family, and my brother-in-law. I tried
not to worry about responses because I expected them to be lackluster.
By the time I was falling asleep, I was incredibly anxious, because I
heard from everyone but my dad. Lo and behold, I needed my dad's
blessing. If even he couldn't have managed some kind of blessing, if he
called to ask dumb questions, I would have been okay. I'm practically a
trained soldier in handling negativity related to this issue. I still
can't explain why I cared, why I care.
My family has
accepted us so far, but as I now know, only on the condition that our
relationship could be ignored. And the guilt enters again, because I
should be stronger than that. Now I know that I wasn't prepared for it.
Soldiers need preparation and training to be strong. It affected me
enough that our engagement feels bitter-sweet. I am still recovering
from the bitterness. I am still recovering from that sneaky feeling of
illegitimacy, as if we were children having just built our cardboard
dream house."But dad, I love her and she loves me and we have to be married!"
The
most powerful argument that I can muster is a description of the way
that I feel about her and our commitment to one other. Unabashed,
uncensored.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Definition of commitment
Commitment
In light of our rocky periods...
The trust which we place in one another's hands
that I am good for
that you are good for...
that we each are worth
waiting out rough waters.
Commitment is born from certainty:
that we belong together
we deserve one another
That despite one hurdles and challenges here and there,
What is there, really... that could keep us from being together?
You, the beautiful soul I have come to love and adore,
I could not do without.
You are my other, the last piece of my jigsaw puzzle,
my eye's finest apple,
the zip to my zing in the mac to my cheese.
Making a certainty of our odd coupling with a ring-symbol -
Washes away the anxiety-relief mixture of before and leaves me with just...
relief.
Our union is as sacred as what any orthodoxy may try to deny.
Until death do us part...
I hope to spend my life with you
growing, embracing love, seeking meaning
I can't imagine life sweeter...
life, at all, really, without you.
In light of our rocky periods...
The trust which we place in one another's hands
that I am good for
that you are good for...
that we each are worth
waiting out rough waters.
Commitment is born from certainty:
that we belong together
we deserve one another
That despite one hurdles and challenges here and there,
What is there, really... that could keep us from being together?
You, the beautiful soul I have come to love and adore,
I could not do without.
You are my other, the last piece of my jigsaw puzzle,
my eye's finest apple,
the zip to my zing in the mac to my cheese.
Making a certainty of our odd coupling with a ring-symbol -
Washes away the anxiety-relief mixture of before and leaves me with just...
relief.
Our union is as sacred as what any orthodoxy may try to deny.
Until death do us part...
I hope to spend my life with you
growing, embracing love, seeking meaning
I can't imagine life sweeter...
life, at all, really, without you.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Feet set into the ground
Feet set into the ground
Sun having faded somewhere over the hills
Cool grey winds, encircling and shapeless, spiraling higher into Zero of the atmosphere
Night shades drawing. Cerulean blue – blue – black-blue – black
Celestial spheres turn – turning, turning, like silent records, time after decade after century, after time
Deep fading blue of sky now dancing with blue evening lake
Water
Earth, sky
Other element residing deep in hearth of the mind
spark shrouded by mystery, unknown to any man
Occasional black flittering of distant bird
Some universe…
reflecting into taut-muscled organ of sight -
from white and green eye,
flowing into water,
to combustion, heating of soft wood, splitting of stone
Some universe
Everything from high rolling sky to deep grooves of thumb
corporeal, external, melded by subtle flame
into value and form:
life given breath
vast expanse of air
shoreless waters
mud, stone, clay
external brought within
slender flame stretching through man’s form
—consciousness
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Long way coming
That which consumed me for a long while now rests in some dusty mental closet.
I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I want. I have to re-evaluate... I’ve lost sight of all that I’ve wanted for myself, and what I want to come from me for others. It is the Buddhist concept of “impermanence,” that I’ve so pounded into my brain… maybe it’s the battery of my faults, maybe some real life insecurity, maybe a combination.
My motorcycle has been my prayer vehicle. Its also about my only time alone. I come back home from whatever little ride and I’m refreshed...
I feel like an empty house. Not empty like a receiving vessel, but like something worn, battered by the earth, a little charred. An old house with dark, vacant windows and paint almost completely peeled.
I am almost surprised to feel like I've come from it. Windows with warm light instead of emptiness. Time heals. Will say that I am eager to have my motorcycle up and running again this Spring.
I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I want. I have to re-evaluate... I’ve lost sight of all that I’ve wanted for myself, and what I want to come from me for others. It is the Buddhist concept of “impermanence,” that I’ve so pounded into my brain… maybe it’s the battery of my faults, maybe some real life insecurity, maybe a combination.
My motorcycle has been my prayer vehicle. Its also about my only time alone. I come back home from whatever little ride and I’m refreshed...
I feel like an empty house. Not empty like a receiving vessel, but like something worn, battered by the earth, a little charred. An old house with dark, vacant windows and paint almost completely peeled.
I am almost surprised to feel like I've come from it. Windows with warm light instead of emptiness. Time heals. Will say that I am eager to have my motorcycle up and running again this Spring.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Getting down
Writing is healthy as it is fulfilling, and really needs
to enter my life again. Its gone to the wayside as life has gotten more
'grown-up.' The big events that crop up and need be codified in some way to
avoid being lost forever, are usually just lost forever. My goal is to relax a
bit, purge some of the technical writing style which seems to pervade my ever
waking thought, and give myself the freedom of exploring-by-writing
light/heavy/comical/ultraserious/angsty/unangsty/sad/happy things. Thats the
goal. Skip the meta-analytical. Maybe skip most of the angst, and concentrate on
happy.
I very much love and am fulfilled by my coupled life. (Just for insurance, maybe I should say this is an extension of loving and being fulfilled by her). I could write about this. And, time-willing, the current events/philosophical/social issues out there that warrant some analysis and exploration-via-writing. Themes of past writing, from the teenage livejournal to the infrequent blackberry documents, have been social awkwardness, mindfulness, sexuality. Reflections on interdependence; basically trying to convince myself of it.
Being outdoors, on land relatively undisturbed, is what grounds me. It is especially sombering right now - always like the spiritual person entering into their sanctuary after a long absence. The relatively undisturbed earth places, the trees, scarab beetles, wasps, flowers, fallen leaves, is a lullaby of the soundest truth I know. It is a present state of evolution. A template that began so long ago with some ancient waters and... whatever the current consensus of the beginning. I like to think of the goings-on of stromatolites. It is the cathedral, weathered exterior of which filled with scribbled histories. It is the roots and place sense forever inscribed - my hometown, so to speak... is purifying, grounding, inspiring... I'm hereby making a reminder to write about this.
I very much love and am fulfilled by my coupled life. (Just for insurance, maybe I should say this is an extension of loving and being fulfilled by her). I could write about this. And, time-willing, the current events/philosophical/social issues out there that warrant some analysis and exploration-via-writing. Themes of past writing, from the teenage livejournal to the infrequent blackberry documents, have been social awkwardness, mindfulness, sexuality. Reflections on interdependence; basically trying to convince myself of it.
Being outdoors, on land relatively undisturbed, is what grounds me. It is especially sombering right now - always like the spiritual person entering into their sanctuary after a long absence. The relatively undisturbed earth places, the trees, scarab beetles, wasps, flowers, fallen leaves, is a lullaby of the soundest truth I know. It is a present state of evolution. A template that began so long ago with some ancient waters and... whatever the current consensus of the beginning. I like to think of the goings-on of stromatolites. It is the cathedral, weathered exterior of which filled with scribbled histories. It is the roots and place sense forever inscribed - my hometown, so to speak... is purifying, grounding, inspiring... I'm hereby making a reminder to write about this.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Here's to Hello
An introduction.
I really hate introducing myself in an open-ended way. It causes me great anxiety in groups. But, I know this is one of the only ways that one can be introduced. So, I've gone back to my old Myspace and pulled my bio as a format. Just kidding. I am in school at TAMU, studying agronomy. I don't do much more than school and the time spent with girlfriend, dogs, and garden.
My girlfriend has turned into a baby blog reading machine. Behavior such as this may be alarming in other relationships, but she's been baby-geared since a wee lad. We're getting pretty serious, so this is some effort at starting a baby blog, among other things.
Where we're at in the baby-making stage:
We have two dogs, a cat, and are fostering another dog. This foster dog (puppy) makes things a little chaotic. It makes me think that our collective subconcious wants us to be prepared for small humans. The subconscious probably doesn't know you don't crate-train children. It will probably be a few years before we get engaged, then another til we're married, then we'd want to settle somewhere, ideally with each a dream job, then say, another year at least for actual conception....... I may hold off on calling this a baby blog. Maybe add some things in on the side to keep it flowing.
I really hate introducing myself in an open-ended way. It causes me great anxiety in groups. But, I know this is one of the only ways that one can be introduced. So, I've gone back to my old Myspace and pulled my bio as a format. Just kidding. I am in school at TAMU, studying agronomy. I don't do much more than school and the time spent with girlfriend, dogs, and garden.
My girlfriend has turned into a baby blog reading machine. Behavior such as this may be alarming in other relationships, but she's been baby-geared since a wee lad. We're getting pretty serious, so this is some effort at starting a baby blog, among other things.
Where we're at in the baby-making stage:
We have two dogs, a cat, and are fostering another dog. This foster dog (puppy) makes things a little chaotic. It makes me think that our collective subconcious wants us to be prepared for small humans. The subconscious probably doesn't know you don't crate-train children. It will probably be a few years before we get engaged, then another til we're married, then we'd want to settle somewhere, ideally with each a dream job, then say, another year at least for actual conception....... I may hold off on calling this a baby blog. Maybe add some things in on the side to keep it flowing.
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